Loss of a family member

Just this week my father passed away.  We have not spoken in nearly twenty years, despite several attempts on my part.  At first the news seemed like nothing - honestly a man passed away peacefully in his sleep and he was a man I no longer knew.  But, then with time and the warmth of people expressing their sorrow for me.  the loss sunk in.  This man that is the only father I knew was gone.  Did I try hard enough to find out why I was let go from his life?  Could something have been said or done?  And now with his death, the living are always left with closure or the unanswered checks on the bucket list.  I have very wonderful memories of my father.  And some harsh, dark and cold memories too.  Don't we all?  I mean no disrespect to those individuals out struggling  with mental illness, I use this next reference as merely a way to describe  - so what I am saying is this - aren't we all a little schizophrenic?  We play multiple roles in our lives.  For me I am a daughter, a sister, a mother, a wife, a friend, a supervisor, a co-worker, a woman, etc etc.  So how much of the essence of us gets placed into each role?  How much shines through?  Billy Joel sang of masks we all wear and the stranger we all see in the mirror...I think he was right too.
It is easy to say we are human and we all make.  It is hard to face them one on one and move forward from them.  It is hard to truly let go and take that leap of faith.
So, I sit here and try to come to terms with the loss of my father.  My mother passed away just a few years ago.  Just the children are left.  And the grandchildren.  It feels strange to know that the two main sources for my identity growing up are gone.  Their influence nothing more now than memories and values that they instilled in me, inspired in me, or in some way helped to create in me.  I was adopted - looked for my birth parents long ago.  No new answers there.  No new questions either.  But, for today, the two individuals that opened their hearts and home and chose me to be there daughter are gone.  And I am saddened by this.
It is funny I guess how just sitting and remembering I can feel love, anger, joy, misery....and if I close my eyes I can feel the memories come to life with visions of what I was wearing or what air smelled like.  Memory is powerful.
I remember you Dad and I loved you.  I smell old spice, freshly ironed hanker-chefs, and pipe tobacco.
I remember you Mom and I loved you.  I smell cotton candy, hair color, and flowers.

More soon

Gemini